How to be bitchily Gracious 

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parent's nasty divorce.

Her mother had found the perfect dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!

Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused. ''Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it,'' she replied. Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, ''Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day.'' A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, ''Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it." Her mother just smiled and replied, ''Of course I do, dear.....I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.'' Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched often.  But push the wrong button and you'll be disconnected!  And another one: Retiree Bathtub Test During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not a retiree should be put in an old age home?" "Well," he said, "we fill up a bath, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the retiree and ask him or her to empty the bathtub" "Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?" Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out.   But I can usually shut her up with cookies.   ~ Unknown Inside every older person is a younger person -- wondering what the hell happened.   ~ Cora Harvey Armstrong ~