BRITISH HUMOUR IS DELIGHTFULLY DIFFERENT

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 
8 years old, Hateful little bastard. Bites! 

FREE PUPPIES 
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog. 

FREE PUPPIES. 

Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd. 
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound. 

RIDING PONY FOR SALE.

Quiet and well mannered. Will eat anything. Very fond of children.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE. 
Worn once by mistake. 
Call Stephanie. 

JOINING NUDIST COLONY! 
Must sell washer and dryer £100.

And the WINNER is...  
FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes. 
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. 
No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly:

 
"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, 

How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"  

DIVORCE versus MURDER


A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy,walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,

"I'd like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen.

Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."