A teacher’s guide to understanding your child’s and-of-year report

• Satisfactory progress: I can’t think of a single interesting thing to say about him.
• Good progress: If you think his work’s bad now, you should have seen it last term.
• Expresses himself confidently: Cheeky little oik.
• Lively: Thoroughly disruptive.
• A sensitive child: Whiny.
• Reliable: Creep.
• Imaginative: Never short of an excuse.
• Easy-going: Bone idle.
• Friendly: Never shuts up.
• Is easily upset: Spoilt rotten.
• Determined: Lacking all scruples.
• Independently-minded: Obstinate.
• Adventurous: Can’t understand why he hasn’t broken his neck.
• Easily distracted: Yet to finish a piece of work.
• Easily influenced: Nerd.
• Mature expression: Stop doing his homework.
• Enjoys all PE activities: Thug.
• Good with his hands: Light-fingered.
• Works better in small groups: Damage-limitation exercise.
• Works better at practical activities: Totally illiterate.
• A born leader: Runs the playgroups protection racket.
• Needs praise and encouragement: As thick as two short planks.
• A rather solitary child: Smells or has nits.
• Popular at playtime: Sells pornography.

Do you remember which one you were?!