A teacher’s guide to understanding your child’s and-of-year report

• Satisfactory progress: I can’t think of a single interesting thing to say about him.
• Good progress: If you think his work’s bad now, you should have seen it last term.
• Expresses himself confidently: Cheeky little oik.
• Lively: Thoroughly disruptive.
• A sensitive child: Whiny.
• Reliable: Creep.
• Imaginative: Never short of an excuse.
• Easy-going: Bone idle.
• Friendly: Never shuts up.
• Is easily upset: Spoilt rotten.
• Determined: Lacking all scruples.
• Independently-minded: Obstinate.
• Adventurous: Can’t understand why he hasn’t broken his neck.
• Easily distracted: Yet to finish a piece of work.
• Easily influenced: Nerd.
• Mature expression: Stop doing his homework.
• Enjoys all PE activities: Thug.
• Good with his hands: Light-fingered.
• Works better in small groups: Damage-limitation exercise.
• Works better at practical activities: Totally illiterate.
• A born leader: Runs the playgroups protection racket.
• Needs praise and encouragement: As thick as two short planks.
• A rather solitary child: Smells or has nits.
• Popular at playtime: Sells pornography.

Do you remember which one you were?! 

Diary of a house buyer - and seller  Part VI, September 2012

4 September: Just returned from an afternoon walk at Oldway Mansion (http://www.torquay.com/attractions/ oldway-mansion-paignton) to see a BT van in the drive, someone come to check our line – with no advance notice!  There seems to be a problem with the line so therefore they’ll be unable to connect us on 6 September.

6 September: Another operative from BT came, said the line had been mended, so now we could be connected up.  But that we weren’t to use the phone/internet for several hours.

7 September: At last we have phone/internet!   Now we need to tell everybody and seek some sort of compensation from Talktalk for the extra costs involved.

13 September: Just returned from Derby where we saw two bungalows which could be suitable.  We were looking as the house we were originally to move into has had an offer, but not too much as no point in looking to be disappointed.  

We were lucky to be able sell on the house survey which we’d paid for, for just over half price, which recoups some of the money expended on the house - and lucky for the new purchasers.   Perhaps in the long run it'll be better as we'd really rather have a bungalow than a house - easier maintenance.

The good news is that our new bed  (it was to be new house/new bed!) has arrived and it's magic.  It has controllers on both sides of the bed and the mattresses can be raised and lowered, either separately - or together.  I just hope I don't get sandwiched in the middle!


15 September: No more viewers, despite the house having a big spread in the local paper last week.  Sounds like we are definitely back to square one - but at least we now have a (comparatively) tidy, minimalist house.  I'm keen to do more unpacking and sorting, once the weather deteriorates.  

In the meantime, it's a lovely Indian summer, so the solar panels are doing us proud.  The end of this month will be exactly a year since they were fitted so we'll be able to see how much benefit they've been.  We have had a reduction in electricity bills (although haven't noticed much as the cost of fuel has increased astronomically) but by the looks of things we may be on target for as much as £1,600 in feedback tariff - not a bad return on the original investment of £13,770 made last year.  It's a pity that potential buyers don't realise that this amount of money is guaranteed (tax free) for the next 24 years.

20 September:  Today we had some viewers, a young couple who are very busy, so can only look at prospective properties at weekends.  They're looking at about ten houses every weekend until they find somewhere suitable.  This must be quite boggling (did that last house have a sunny garden - or was that the one with the pokey loft?).  However, the upshot was that they wanted a more 'useable' garden, somewhere safe where the children could play and didn't feel that our garden fitted that category.  I agree totally as it's so important to have a child-friendly garden.

28 September:  Today it's exactly one year since the solar panels were fitted and we have made £1,604.25 profit - plus the reduction in electricity costs over that period.  This scheme was certainly worthwhile.

29 September: Still awaiting the compensation from Talktalk for loss of service for nearly six weeks which, it was promised would arrive by yesterday.

Diary of a house seller and buyer - Part V August 2012 (note I've started putting the year, in case we run on into 2013!)

4 August: Apparently there may be another person who’s interested in another property near here, a very similar one but with a bigger garden, and that one’s already under offer.  So perhaps a chance here.  If so, will be likely to have heard from our Agent by the 7^th or 8^th .  Fingers crossed.

7^th August: Haven’t heard from anyone, except from the Agent of the house we wanted to buy, to confirm that we would not in a position to go ahead.  Apparently the vendor is to rent out the property again for six months, whilst keeping it on the market, so fingers crossed.

8^th August: As we haven’t heard, we’ve decided to put away all the boxes and tidy up in case the Agent brings anyone round to view.  We think it would be a good idea to rent out the rooms on our ground floor, on a short let, until we’ve sold properly.  What a lot of work!

9 August:  The garden’s a jungle, probably because of the weeks of torrential rain we’ve had, so no chance to get out there and weed.  And also the lovely sunny weather we have now has encouraged the plants – and the weeds – even more as they have lovely damp feet..  It’s amazing how much convolvulus there is, although probably no more than usual, it’s just that I haven’t been on top of the job.

10 August:  Our agent visited today, naturally laid most of the blame at our solicitor’s door, which may or may not be correct. But we’ve resolved to pester everyone more next time – both agents and solicitors – and also to move out as soon as we’ve sold.  The people who could have been interested in this house have chosen the other one which they viewed, well at least that takes on more off the market and gives us more chance to sell.

The agent suggested that we limit any packed boxes to one, or at the most two, rooms, leaving the kitchens and bathrooms as free as possible.  The thinking behind this is that kitchens and bathrooms have fixtures which will be staying so it gives buyers more idea of what those rooms will look like.

11 August:  I’ve unpacked most of my craft stuff and set up a craft room, it’s great!  David’s unpacked his tools up in his shed, so he’s happy too.  I’ve also been sorting through boxes as they’ve been unpacked and got rid of more stuff, so that’ll save time when we do eventually sell again.

16 August: Our phone should have been reconnected today, having had no phone/internet for over two weeks – and guess what? Nothing happened!  So rang up talktalk and apparently we have to start all over again and apply for a new number.  To access this information has taken nearly two hours of telephone calls, explaining the same thing over and over again.  …. Will be new telephone will be installed in three weeks’ time.  This has severely curtailed my internet use!

17 August: House was in local paper again today and produced one interested party.  They are to view on Monday – help! – the place needs cleaning and tidying.  How do we manage to make the place such a mess?

20 August: Well, what a hard two and a half days’ work! -  but the place has been transformed.  We won’t need to clean again for ages.  The viewers came, loved the house and found it very suitable for their needs.

21 August:  A low offer has been received which we rejected, this was increased slightly but it’s still too low, so now it’s back with the agent, seeing if he can encourage the proposed purchaser to make more money available.    

In the interim, we found a house many weeks ago which looked very suitable but was far too expensive.  It’s now come down in price – still too much – but we could make an offer.  Just to see if it’s in the frame, I’m going up to Derby to view it and then perhaps make an offer and see how much will be accepted.

22 August: Offer withdrawn as prospective buyer’s buyer has pulled out, as he’s not happy with the state of their garage wall.

So back to square one again…

I popped in to see the agent today, to explain about the benefits of the solar panels.  He thinks we should lower our asking price – even if we’re not prepared to accept much less, which is certainly worth thinking about. 

24 August: We have the chance of some good tenants for downstairs.  She works full time and he would only be here at the weekend.  This sounds good.  The downside is that we’ve got rid of so much stuff, so we’re now going through our (already packed) boxes to see what we have which could be used to equip the downstairs accommodation.  So we’ve been busy unpacking, sorting and … stuff.  Hard work.  All the empty boxes are to be flat packed and stored in the attic spaces, although we’ve decided not to put any other things in the attics or they’ll just multiply and end up being more work later.

25 August: Our new bed’s coming in two weeks – yippee!  Then we can put our bed downstairs for the new people.

Had another viewer, a distinct possibility but they haven't yet put their house on the market, in which case they could be many months!

The saga of the new telephone continues, with a letter just received giving out bank details, ready to set up the direct debit – but it’s in the wrong name! – if the bank is approached with those details it’ll hold up it’s hand in horror and refuse to honour the request.  This is very strange as we’ve been with Talktalk for over eight years, so you’d think they’d have copied our former details onto the new contract!

Prison and work

In prison – you spend the majority of your time in an 8 x 10 cell

At work – you spend most of your time in a 6 x 8 cell

  

In prison – you get time off for good behaviour

At work –  you get rewarded for good behaviour with more work

  

In prison – a guard locks you unlocks all the doors for you

At work – you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself

  

In prison – you can watch TV and play games

At work – you get fired for watching TV and playing games

  

In prison – all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required

At work – you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners

In prison – they allow your family and friends to visit

At work – you cannot even speak to your family and friends

In prison – there are wardens who are often sadistic

At work – they are called managers

 

After six weeks off-line I'm now back in circulation again, so watch out for an avalanche of interesting/fascinating posts ....

What links Prince William with Leonardo da Vinci?

Answer: They were both left-handers.


You know the feeling when you wake up in the middle of the night in a strange hotel, jet-lagged and hung over on charter flight brandy, and you crack your head on the mirror-fronted wardrobe as you try to locate the bathroom?  Well, apparently that is what being left-handed is like.  Only it's constant.


So upset are left-handed people by the lack of sympathy from the 90% who are more dextrous and adroit, that they have declared 13 August International Left-handers Day* . Their aim  is not only to show how hellish life can be in a discriminatory world built for the convenience of smug right-handers, but also to trumpet how wonderfully they overcome the obstacles.
Apparently left-handers have more elastic brains, we are the superior 10% of the population, for instance, do people realise how difficult it is to write a cheque when the stubs always get in the way?
You wonder how they cope in those Eastern cultures where left hands are earmarked for lavatorial duties and are not even allowed near a cheque stub.


Left-handers always boast about famous left-handers, such as Lewis Carroll, Cole Porter, Picasso, Einstein, Marilyn Munroe and Leonardo, whose left-handedness is clear in the cross-hatching on his self-portrait (see left).  However, that still leaves plenty of famous people are aren't left handed.  And what about Jack the Ripper, the Boston Strangler and Tiny Tim?  All left-handers, but they don't get boasted about.


It is thought that humans are genetically coded to be born right-handed, suggesting that something goes wrong to produce left-handers. It is thought that left-handers are more common in groups of individuals with a history of alcoholism, suicide attempts, epilepsy and migraines, that left-handers are likelier to suffer from asthma, insomnia, allergies and diabetes, that they are likelier to have car crashes and, as if that were not enough, that they have less life-expectancy.  Doesn't sound too attractive, does it?  But then, is it any wonder with us left-handers having so work so hard just to carry out normal activities?

Left handers have trouble using can-openers, scissors, soup ladles, potato peelers, saws, cameras, hockey sticks, fishing rods and microwaves. Unless left-handers are reading, say, Arabic, Hebrew, Persian or Pashtun, many find reading books, a nuisance.  Even men's trouser flies are designed to be opened with the right hand, and asking a stranger for help is not always appropriate.  Some might think it even cheekier than a left-handed compliment.


I've always said that life is very difficult for a left-handed, short, shortsighted person (me) - and no wonder!

* http://www.lefthandersday.com/
Also see: http://www.stanleycoren.com/e_left-handed.htm

Beauty Column - taken from a very old magazine

Mark Antony named July in honour of Julius Caesar.  It was later called Hay Month and Harvest Month on the French calendar.  July is indeed the fruitful season and time to take advantage of all the produce of the land that will add to comfort and beauty.


Try an Air Bath for Refreshment
For most of our lives we are covered by layers of clothing.  Except for brief moments, the skin on our bodies seldom has a chance to breathe without obstruction.  An air bath is a delightful and rewarding respite from all the hours of swaddling confinement we undergo.

Exposing the body to air is an ancient custom, practised by those who have found a sense of refreshment in leaving the body unclothed for a period of time each day.  This is, of course, more easily practised in warmer climates, but even in colder areas you can use the spring, summer and autumn to advantage.

The effect of air and sunlight directly on the skin is most agreeable.  With today's scant bathing suits the young can experience this benefit more fully than those who dress more modestly.  But few people swim daily, and for an air bath to been entirely effective, the body should be completely uncovered.
Fine a private place in your home.  Of course a terrace screened from view would be ideal, but it is not sun we want as much as air.  Even an open window will serve admirably.  
There is something absolutely delicious about air bathing, or permitting the body pores to breathe without restriction every day.  The results are similar to an invigorating exercise or a stimulating bath.
An easy, practical way to air bathe is by simply sleeping without restricting nightwear.  Usually this is merely habit, anyway, and since there is bed clothing surrounding you, what need have you of additional covering.  Deeper and more tranquil slumber will usually result from sleeping nude.  And sleep seems to come more quickly when you're unhampered by clothing in bed. So throw your window open wide, retire for the night, and allow your pores to be refreshed and renewed by additional oxygen intake.


Suntan Lotions
The damage done to the skin during the summer months from overindulgence in the sun is inestimable.  Moderate amounts of all types nature are desirable and rewarding, but constant or too frequent dalliance with summer sun, when the rays are more direct, can destroy body tissue to such a point that a person can age several years in appearance in a few short months.
Treat the sun as a friend but don't embrace it on a daily basis.  If you do, not only are you damaging the skin you ordinarily pamper, but you're also courting disaster in the form of skin cancer.  Too many women now in their fifties are paying for the overenthusiastic sunbathing that became a favourite pastime when they were in the teens and twenties.

Dry, leathery skin results from too much tanning.  In fact, sometimes a tanned animal hide appears to have as much life as the complexion of those women who have overexposed themselves to the sun's ultraviolet rays.
If you insist upon sunbathing to acquire a tan, there are some applications which will promote it and get you out of the sun that much sooner.  At the same time, they offer some protection to the skin in helping ward off the dry-cooked appearance that can result from too much sun.


Suntanning Cream
1/2  cup sesame seed oil
1 egg yolk
1 tbsp wheat germ oil
1 tbsp lemon juice
mint leaves
Put all these ingredients into the blender, except the mint leaves, and whizz until thick.  Add 1 tbsp of mint juice crushed from the leaves, or made by beating one or two tablespoons of water with a handful of mint leaves in the blender before beginning.  Rub into the body before exposing it to the sun.


Barley Paste for Sunburn
If over-enthusiasm for a tan has made you incautious and the results are an uncomfortable sunburn, an old-fashioned barley paste can be very soothing and help to reduce the redness.
Grind  75g of unpearled barley, and mix the powder with 25g of raw honey. Mix these together and add the unbeaten white of one egg, to make a smooth paste.  Gently rub this into the affected area and allow to remain on overnight if possible, or most of the day, for the best results. 
Remember, the old-fashioned methods of beauty care are longer lasting than modern cosmetics, which can have uncomfortable side-effects.  At the same time, the home-prepared remedies and treatments require longer to be effective.  Nature will do its work perfectly but it won't be rushed.

Peaches and Cream Skin Softener
There is something absolutely beautiful about a bowl full of fresh peaches and real cream.  The fruit looks sun-kissed and warm and alive with colour, and the ivory richness of the cream crowns the fruit.  Why not wear it and eat it too?  This nutritious and beautiful dessert will then do twice as much for you.  Fresh peaches offer you a feat of Vitamins A, B and C, along with calcium for serenity and magnesium for good skin.  Add to that Vitamin D from certified fresh, raw cream for lagniappe*, or a little something extra.
Mash to a pulp a tablespoon of a completely ripe peach and mix in enough cream** to make a thick application.  Lie down and apply a generous layer of the fruit and cream to your face and neck.  Allow the mixture to remain on the face for thirty minutes.  Remove and rinse the face in warm and then cool water several times.  Gently pat away the excess moisture without rubbing.   Do not use soap.
And, since this is an edible cosmetic, get double duty by doubling the quantity, your weight permitting, adding a dollop of honey, and eating it after your facial.  You'll tingle outside and in!

Strawberry Paste to Refresh the Skin
In July, pour all of summertime's wealth into your body.  Too soon the fruits of summer will be gone, and you will be left with tasteless foods which have lost much of their vitamin and mineral value because they have travelled enormous distances.
Pick a basket, or pick up a basket, of little, red, ripe strawberries to eat and to use as a cosmetic.  Make Strawberry lotions and custards and paste, and prepare bowls of strawberries and honey and milk
Use the berries in every conceivable way, and if you're in a hurry, just bite the end of one and rub the rich red juice onto an oily skin or a skin that needs moisture, bleaching, cleansing, or reviving.  Rinse away after it's dried and note the colour in your complexion.

Refreshing Strawberry Paste
1/6 oz gum tragacanth***
rose water, orange water or elderflower water
1/2 lb fresh, ripe strawberries
Soak the gum tragacanth in enough rose water to soften to a thin mucilage.  Chop and crush the strawberries,.  They must be ripe for their formula; no half-ripe or too-firm berry will do.  Mix the berries with rose water to form a liquid paste.  Beat in the tragacanth.  Store in a capped jar in the refrigerator when not in use.
Gently massage the paste into the face and neck area at night, in order to soften and tone the skin.  Rinse away with warm water in the morning (you might want to protect the bedding by using an old pillowcase).
Strawberries, along with citrus fruits and some vegetables, are an important source of bioflavonoids(****), which are used effectively in treating skin haemorrhage among other ailments.  This condition is caused when blood vessel walls are so fragile they erupt and leve spidery red lines across a face.  Since this is a frequent cosmetic misery, it would be very wise to add these luscious fruits to the diet during their season, and when their all-too-brief appearance is over, sustituting other sources of the important bioflavonoid.

Freckles
At one time, when freckles (*****) weren't as casually accepted as today, women fought them off with various concoctions they brewed or had made up and gave them names to lessen their supposed blight.  Sun Kisses and the Kisses of Apollo were two favourite expressions meant to take the sting from the freckled face.  
Beauty books soothed heavily freckled young girls by telling them a few freckles under the eyes increased their beauty by enhancing their expression and calling attention to their eyes - or that Cleopatra was " with Phoebus's amorous pinches black". Over the years, more charming than accurate explanations have been given of the little rusty wonders that will allow themselves to be bleached a bit, covered somewhat - but disposed of never.
One 19C explanation suggested freckles consist of iron in the blood combining with the light of day.  The minute iron portions supposedly found themselves outside the usual tract of skin and deposited themselves just under the surface of the top skin.  When exposed to light, the particles immediately turned darker and thus freckles were born.
Today, dermatologists aren't overly concerned about freckles, so matter of factly are they accepted.  And their explanation is that they are small accumulations of pigment which have not been evenly distributed throughout the skin.  Sunlight does in fact tend to darken them, so avoiding heavy doses of the sun will help prevent the deepening colour that seems to distress those overly burdened with this pigmented spotting.
Fading freckles are about the most one can hope for.  There seem to be two types.  'Cold', or winter freckles, as they have been known for some time, are the more permanent type.  Summer freckles appear only in that season and intensify or diminish according to exposure to the sun.  They tend to disappear in winter.

Winter freckles come to stay.  Lotions and bleaches will help soften the colour of both summer and winter freckles.  If they freckles really distress you they can be 'painted' with a camel's hair brush dipped into lemon juice every night; the dried juice should be allowed to remain until morning.  Rinse the face and apply a thin coating of salad oil.  If the skin shows signs of irritation, add plain water or rose water to the lemon juice to weaken it.  Discontinue the use altogether if it becomes uncomfortable.
Buttermilk or yoghurt are two excellent skin bleaches but, as with the lemon juice, they must be applied daily in order to be effective.

 Nettle Hair Rinse
Fortify the hair for its dose of summer sun, seawater, and chlorinated pool water by shampooing weekly with strengthening herbs.  Hair that is in good condition, with strong roots and sturdy strands, will be more resistant to the summer's assaults on it.
Nettle wash is a prized formula for promoting tissue strength and improving hair texture and its use has brought praise for its virtues down through the centuries.  In addition to other qualities, it also  an excellent wash for removing dandruff, and at the same time it improves the colour of the hair.
Mix together half a cup each of sage and nettles and cover for later use.  Pour two cups of boiling water over a quarter cup of the combined mixture for each rinse, allowing it to steep until warm.  Strain and use after shampooing and rising the hair thoroughly.  Place a small basin beneath the head and pour the nettle/sage since over the hair several times.  Then massage the hair well and pour one last rinse over it.  Wrap a towel around the heat for five minutes or so before drying the hair.

* http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lagniappe
** could this also work well with natural yoghurt?
*** http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tragacanth
**** http://www.chiro.org/nutrition/ABSTRACTS/bioflavonoids.shtml
***** http://www.freckles.org/